Monthly Archives: March 2013

How to Rationalize Eating Junk Food

Most days, I eat like a monastic rabbit. For those times when I do feel the urge to abuse my body with junk food, here are a few of my favorite rationalizations:

1. Kill bacteria with alcohol

Most modern guts are rife with bacteria that lead to a slew of health problems. Annihilate those suckers with hearty doses of bacteria-killing booze. Alcoholic drinks are also part of a plant-based diet, and no one can claim that isn’t healthy!

juice diet

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juice diet3

juice diet4

juice diet5

If you wake up the next morning with a raging headache, that just means the bacteria is putting up a fight as it leaves your body. Don’t stop drinking!

2. Prevent aging with salt

Do you long for guts that are as eternal as the Sphinx and never age? Who doesn’t?? Salt preserves your innards so you can eat garbage forever and look hot while you’re doing it. Stop focusing on outward appearance and instead cultivate an inner bloom. As they say: true beauty comes from within.

Potato chips for a long and sexy life!

guts

3. Bolster your immune system with sugary delights

I’ve heard this line of reasoning from so many people uneducated about health that it must be true: If you consume a lot of sugar, you build an immunity to its adverse effects. Conversely, restricting sweet substances in your diet leads to a weakened immune system, because your body doesn’t know how to fight sugar.

Yep. I’m buying that logic.

immunity

4. Skip college and eat more fries

Diets high in fat have been linked to increased intelligence. Book your next birthday party at KFC and always, always keep donuts on hand for quick, on-the-go brain treats.

fat diet

5. Save yourself from a life of delinquency with pop

Everyone is addicted to something. Anyone who claims they aren’t is actually addicted to not being addicted. Succumbing to the enslaving reign of pop eliminates the draw to become hooked on more dangerous substances like drugs or exercise.

pop

6. Chew gum and reduce crime

Chewing gum means you can talk less. Less talking = fewer fights = less overall societal crime.

If you are self-absorbed and don’t care about society, excessive gum chewing also sculpts your jaw line. After a few weeks of vigorous chewing, you can give up exercise all together!

gum chewing

If you feel you could have a problem with not eating enough junk food, seek the help of a qualified dietician or speak to your local doctor. I’ve done what I can to nullify your conscience – the rest is up to you!

War and Peace, War and Peace

One of my super powers is that I have an ego the size of Russia, which compelled me to read Leo Tolstoy’s hefty War and Peace twice, back to back.

I was 18, and like all other 18-yr olds, was spring breaking in Cancun, drinking and reveling in first world debaucheries. And by Cancun, I mean family vacation at Seaside, OR, modestly clad against the chilly Pacific coast weather in sweatpants and hoodies.

beach

During the day, to recover from the previous night’s rowdy board games and early retirement, I was plowing through War and Peace. A respectable 800 pages, saturated with monologues and prosaic descriptions of the chariots of Napoleon’s army, it’s an understatement to say that I was pleased with myself upon completing the tale.

sleeping in

With great pride, my father boasted to my family how commendable it was that an 18-yr old read War and Peace purely for pleasure – and on her vacation to boot. Soon my aunts, grandma and others fortunate enough to be related to me were notified that there was a genius in the family.

Riding on a cloud of euphoria much like Napoleon must have ridden his chariots into Russia, I basked in the glow of my relatives’ admiration. It almost made up for the lack of basking I was doing on the sunless Pacific coast.

vitamin D

However, similar to the quick demise of the French army at the hand of the cruel Russian winter, my bookish triumph rapidly faded when I discovered I had read the abridged version, while my relatives thought I read the unabridged. I could never face them again with any dignity! This nerdy victory was all I had: I was a terrible athlete, didn’t play any musical instrument and was never valedictorian, because there is no such thing as a home school valedictorian.

Valedictorian

Clearly, my only option was to immediately read the unabridged version, so that 20 years from now at our family reunion, when everyone is still talking about my feat in hushed, awed voices, I can hold my head high.

So back to 19th century Russia I trudged. Oh, how painful it was. Reading 1,400 pages of a verbose Russian tale that one has just read is the closest thing to mental torture I have ever experienced. Besides trying to remember the increasingly cryptic password for my computer.

password

But I did it, with only minimal cerebral trauma.

My ego has thankfully shrunk since then – not due to any maturing on my part – but because a decade has passed since I read the book twice and I can’t remember a word of it. Now my only shot at maintaining the worship of my relatives is skipping every family gathering so they can’t query me about the book.

But whatever will they talk about if not my teenage accomplishment? Certainly not their own lives or boring stuff like that.

reunion

Good grief, do I have to read it again for the sake of my family??! NooooooooooOOOOoooooOOOoo!