When I Was a Mom For a Week(ish)

When I am not imagining myself as a Nazi war criminal bounty hunter, I envision myself as the ultimate parent. In this epic fantasy, I am a firm, yet tender guardian, leading my flock like a fierce and noble Viking matron who would never stoop so low as to bait their good behavior.

vikings

Recently, I discovered that dream is about a likely to happen as finding a Nazi war criminal still alive. I was a mom for a week-ish to my sister’s three little ones, and during that brief time, all my lofty intentions of chivalrous parenting went where all dreams go to die: away from Pinterest. Perhaps someday when my own children are grown ups and still running around like savages, I will show them my swooning “Kids … Someday”  Pinterest board and sheepishly murmur, “It’s the thought that counts, right?”

pinterest

My future offspring, please accept my advance apology for bribing your good behavior with sweets and movies. I’ll make you cupcakes if you promise to not resent me for it.

Lie #1: My kids will never watch TV

Because … wait for it … my babies will be soooo busy feasting on the glories of Dickens and Tolstoy (in the original Russian) at the venerable age of 5 they won’t have time for TV.

Who am I kidding. Kids love fart jokes, defacing walls with crayons and poop and will be hypnotized by anything that moves on a screen.

author

The reality is that everyday I was One-Weekish Mom my nephews and niece watched a movie, and honestly, I might have watched it with them too. I have to be able to relate to them, right?

Or perhaps I am making up for all those deprived childhood years of mine, filled with the horrors of books, imagination and the great outdoors. What was my mom thinking??!

Lie #2: They will only listen to classical music

Mozart, Vivaldi, Beethoven … these prodigious names grace my childrens’ early lexicons, as their little souls soar on the raptures of symphonies and complex melodies.

Noooooope. Babies love love love the mind-numbing repetition of Bob the Builder. I discovered that If you combine Lie #1 with Lie #2 and put in a Bob the Builder movie for them, you can create a magical window of time to catch up on Downton Abby. Errr … I mean … catch up on your Mozart …

vivaldi

Lie #3: They will eat like princely rabbits

A health-freak of the highest nature, all things green, organic and fermented appear on my fantasy diet plan for my future brood. But unless I marry Peter Rabbit, I have a sinking feeling that my childrens’ guts will be host to fodder more along the lines of hot dogs, popsicles and ice cream. Hey, all those things (note I said ‘things’, not ‘foods’) can be green and organic too, right?

food

The worst part of this revelation? My sister’s kids are angels. And I still spoiled them. Banking on the sure likelihood that my offspring will be monsters, I better sign up for a Costco membership now so I can start stocking up on bulk popsicles.

4 thoughts on “When I Was a Mom For a Week(ish)

  1. molly

    Once again, I am laughing hysterically…mainly because I know how true all this is of you.

    Do not worry Heidi—you will rise to the challenge once they are YOUR kids.
    great job….
    Mom

    Reply
  2. Amy best

    Lol!

    Glad you finally confessed to what you actually did with my kids while I was gone.
    But truth be told, I’m pretty lenient on amazing and wonderful aunts like you.

    Reply
  3. Candice

    that was funny–you’re a hoot Heidi! And in all seriousness you’re a very good writer:) I miss you in our small group at Lindsay’s! I hope you are doing well.

    Reply
  4. Michelle

    I was near tears with laughter as I read this, then, David pooped in his underwear and I considered letting the real tears flow. Oh the life! Thanks for the smile and laugh! The good news is, kids usually come one at a time and in small packages. This will give you time to adjusts to their wonderful and weird world and time to find organic, fermented, popsicles. Love you!

    Reply

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